New Me Starts…Now???
Giving Tuesday, scraping, Peter Hernandez, garlic, and more…
“At what point did I step in shit…?” I think to myself as I scrape off the stickiest dog shit of all time from the freakishly intricate grooves on the sole of my leather boot. This particular dog must have subsisted on gumballs and lamb kofta curry, judging by the insane amount of effort I’m putting into chipping away at said shit.
Was it before or after I did a show the other night? Before or after I overheard a comic who is, ostensibly, my friend, from the side of the stage audibly scoff “What the fuck is THAT?” re: my set (which was going—honestly—just fine!)? Fingers crossed for “after”!
Needless to say, my confidence was shaken…maybe I’m bad at standup? Or maybe I’m bad at what people think standup is supposed to be? Maybe I should just keep doing what I’ve been doing the past 15 years and not freak out like I do every few months, threatening (to no one in particular) to quit standup once and for all and focus on the four other things I really like doing but haven’t put as much time into. I have since decided to keep doing standup, as I’m actually excited about it at the moment. A feeling as fleeting as morning fog, yet one I need to desperately cling to, especially these days when I don’t have much “going on”.
I finally got the last stinky chunks out of the sole of my boot. There’s a metaphor here somewhere, but please don’t make me think about it.
After I got all that shit off my shoe, my husbo Nick and I threw a garlic themed rager in our new backyard. Our first annual Garlic Fest, lovingly based on the Gilroy Garlic Festival, which I have never attended but always wanted to. I’m happy to announce that after a few years hiatus following the mass shooting at the 2019 Gilroy Garlic Festival, they have decided to continue their stinky celebration, though smaller and with presumably more police presence. Bummer.
We recently watched Les Blank’s documentary Garlic Is as Good as Ten Mothers on Criterion Channel and were inspired to throw our own little garlic whateva. I made garlic bread biscuits, garlic parmesan chicken wings, and garlic ice cream with balsamic vinegar glaze. It was fucked up.
Many brought their own garlic-forward foods that later made me fart the most I’ve ever farted in a 24-hour period. Tim Kalpakis brought garlic-infused vodka which he mistakenly added 12 garlic bulbs to instead of 12 garlic CLOVES (which the recipe asked for), making perhaps the garliciest treat of the party. We proceeded to get completely ripped off the stuff. For this he was crowned “King of Garlic Fest” also known as “Little Miss Garlic”. Anthony Oberbeck was given the honorary “Viceroy of Garlic Fest” for his interesting tasting candied garlic.
At some point in the evening, Nick performed a garlic-themed play where he and Mookie Blaiklock portrayed two shirtless brothers who…I forget, but something happened having to do with garlic. It was a good time.
Anyway, that was almost two weeks ago.
I’ve been writing this substack all day. By that I mean I’ve been thinking about writing it all day. Instead I did anything and everything but. Last night, and the night before, and the night before that, as I fell asleep, I thought about writing this. It takes a lot for me to let the stuff I’m thinking about out of my head, usually for fear of what will come out. It’s never as fucked up as I think it’ll be, but it is always like…yeah, maybe don’t talk about your insecurities online? But if I don’t, how will everyone know I’m human? And here? On Earth? Maybe standing next to them! Looking at my phone!
I putted(?) around the house all day with more nervous energy than usual. I did a little yoga, stretching out my perpetually stiff ankles and forearms. I thought about bodies and brains; how everyone’s bodies and brains are shrinking. And how they really like that, actually. Another bummer.
“It’s all about getting inverted” is a phrase that rings in my new, smoother brain, as I forward fold over my legs. That’s something I heard from either a yoga teacher or therapist, I forget who. Inversion is good for garnering energy and focus…or something. I look at my upside down face in the mirror, red, round and weird.
I stretch some more. I think now about the conversation my family had after our thanksgiving meal about falling. Falling and hurting yourself, falling as an older person, fear of falling. That’s what kept me from getting better at skateboarding when I was younger, I remember, silently. I was too afraid to fall, something that is actually required if you want to progress in skateboarding. I never broke a bone skating and these days I wish I had. I’d be fuckin’ shredding every day and feeling really great, I bet. I wish I had the attitude back then that I have now: Break the bones while you have them.
It was apparently Giving Tuesday when I started writing this and now it is, of course, Dumb Thursday, but in honor of Giving T. I’d like to give YOU the gift of KNOWLEDGE by letting you know about a few great things my friends have made and are currently selling that you should at the very least THINK about purchasing. In the spirit of “holiday time” I’d also like to say that I am so, so grateful to be friends with the most talented, unique, insane, and funny bitches and fuckers out there. I hope you too get to be friends with them for ten plus years, like I have.
PETER HERNANDEZ aka JULIUS SMACK
Peter and I have been friends since I was 16. Up until 2007 we had no concept of each other’s existence, even though we grew up just a few blocks away from one another. One day I stumbled upon his MySpace and loved what I saw (thought he was “so cute!!”) and told my mutual friend Alyssa to connect us. Eventually we met over coffee and a pastry, talking about our shared interests and how Peter had just come out to his parents. I was more than happy to be “just friends” with Peter, the most interesting person I had met in my life thus far. We started making cute, folky, anti-folky, Moldy Peachesy music together under the inspired band name of Falafel Babies (see below).
Since then, after living many lives, respectively, and falling in and out of contact, I am so happy to say we are still friends and I am so in awe of Peter aka Julius Smack and everything he’s accomplished in a short amount of time. He’s still so cute and the most interesting person I know. Here is his newest album Starlight:
For immediate purchase and download! A bit about the album in his own words:
To compose Starlight, Julius Smack drew inspiration from all facets of life, with the album’s “dataset” serving as a kind of diary. It weaves together old demos, bookmarked TikTok clips of AI-generated content (such as a deepfake of Biden and Trump singing in Mandarin alongside Kamala Harris’ laughter), 2000s dance music, and ‘90s cyberpunk anime, including Ghost in the Shell and Neon Genesis Evangelion. Everyday experiences also became part of the dataset: learning Yaqui in online classes with fellow diasporic Yaquis, riding the train, walking the dog, and dreaming. These disparate threads coalesce to question AI’s role in creative and labor economies, forming a counterfactual narrative where everything—and nothing—is art.
Told you this fucker was interesting!!!
MEGAN BETH KOESTER
There is almost too much I can say about Megan, and I am excited to spill my guts on this bitch (my friend) in a future post. But what I would like to say now is that I LOVE HER! The voice of her generation, and honestly, several generations prior. One of my dearest friends, a fellow “old soul”, altogether intimidating and gentle. One would BE so lucky to know/love/be driven a little nuts by Megan. Here’s her fantastic substack that is actually required reading, if you ask me…if you’re asking me.
She has just released an album of standup wherein she performs to no one, except of course the great Steve Albini (RIPini) in Da Booth at his studio Electrical Audio in 2022. I was lucky enough to be present at the first iteration of this recording (none of which has gone into this new iteration), and needless to say it was a sight to behold, if only to witness the meeting of two freaky minds (Meg and Steve) and the immediate “simpatico” vibe that emerged.
That album can be found here. And yes, it is presented on a USB drive (Meg, once again, daring people to see what she’s all about by presenting her greatest achievements on an antiquated form of physical storage that will require ME to buy a damn adapter…) with many special features and some extra merch to boot.
What she says about it:
The only audienceless comedy album ever engineered by Steve Albini is now available exclusively via 1GB flash drive. Said flash drive holds:
- The album in MP4 and WAV
- Multiple mediocre drum tracks
- Glossary of the subjects contained therein
- 34 essays
- Dozens of personal notes and images
- The extremely rare, never released film “I Love You, Daddy” (2017) in glorious 480p, the way the filmmaker intended for it to be seen
-900 files in total!
Limited edition of 200
Each order also comes with a commemorative “I’d Rather Be Bottoming For Peter Thiel” keychain
$30, domestic shipping included
To order your copy, contact megan.koester@gmail.com
Okay, I think that’s all I got today…but now I’m like, fuck! There are so many other things my friends made this year that I want to share with you! Fuck! Perhaps I will save those for a…YEAR-END ROUNDUP post. Whoa.
Fun and cool things to come re: Me, Clare, including a new music video I directed, my very first short film which I also directed, wrote and acted in, some new comedy shows in Los Angeles I will be a part of in some capacity, and more…Fuck!
Love you
Peace b w/ u
Peace b w/ all of us
<3 Clare O.
I think it’s “puttered”
12 garlic bulbs??? No wonder I was burping so much after that!
Thank u 4ever for your sweet words <3 <3 <3 ILYSM!